Having, more or less, survived our brush with garage sale greatness, the fucking garage was still not empty, which had been the actual goal. The cash was a nice extra, but I was supposed to deliver a cleaned out garage for my snooty real estate company, which wanted to roll out a premier, hmmmmm, oh, you know something like, I don’t know, uhm, TODAY.
So yesterday I put an ad on Craigslist, the Press of the Great Unwashed, that announced “Garage Full of Stuff Free.” the ad itself ran:
“I’m moving out and need get rid of several chairs, a nice square dining table or game table, an old timey tv cabinet, a 6 foot long coffee table, a fancy chinoiserie chest, an antique Asian cabinet and a mahogany sideboard. Also two matching 7 foot tall bookcases, and two matching 30 inch tall bookcases.
I will be at the house from 11:00 to 1:00 and 3:00 to 5:00. The address is 47 Malta Drive off O’Shaughnessy.
Do not email and ask about specific pieces. By the time I reply and you see the answer it could be gone.
Look, I’m giving away free furniture. The least you can do is come look.”
I also stuck in some photos cause that’s what attracts the rubes.
The star of the show
Naturally everyone emailed me anyway demanding the red chest, although the mahogany sideboard was pretty popular too. I replied along the lines of “I’m not promising any piece to anyone. You just have to come see if it’s available. And by the way, I said Don’t. Email. Me.” That REALLY drove them crazy.
And then, just as I was walking out the door to go over and start the Great Giveaway, Comcast finally called me back and said “I can be there in 15 minutes and give you the internet connection you’ve been whining about.” Well, hello? What would you have gone with? Furthering the dreams of loser hoarders or getting back online. Of course I said yes, and figured, they can’t start till I get there and unlock the doors.
Beyond any deserved good luck, my realtor’s assistant was at the house and agreed to throw open the gates at the assigned time in my place. By the time an hour later when I got there, there was nothing left but shattered bits and pieces and possibly blood. Andrew, who is sweet and demure said the scene was quite something. A line down the block, people bringing huge tucks, snarling old ladies. When he did let them in, he said it was a mad scramble and every one of them demanding the red Chinese chest, little knowing that Andrew’s girlfriend had already seen it and wanted it too. Andrew, being a bright lad, knew which side his bread was buttered on, or his dick greased on anyway, stood fast against the hoards and in the end delivered the chest to his lady love. It’s so romantical.
So all I did was sort of half ass sweep up the fragments and tell late comers to just keep moving. What amazes me is that of all the things grabbed and yanked, no one took the two large matching book cases. I know people don’t read anymore, but don’t they put things away? Apparently not. Goths at the gates, darlings, goths at the gate.
Anyway, if you want to see the house all tarted up, go here mrpeenee, staged
I still want the video with the aerial drone and they keep promising it to me, but it’s more like trying to calm some tantrum loving snot in the middle of a parking lot shrieking and kicking.
here’s some naked guy, just in case:
I picked him cause I have painted one wall in my new apartment that same turquoise. It’s very cheery.