What Was I Doing Ten Years Ago – 1998
’98 was an odd year. The year before, R Man and I had bought our house and immediately found out he had cancer and had to go through chemo while entertaining a nonstop stream of friends who wanted to show support and see the house at the same time. By 1998, he was in remission (yay) and we were worn out by entertaining. I’m pretty sure we didn’t actually do anything that whole year.
5 Things On My To Do List For Today
1 Don’t slap anybody.
2 Don’t let anyone catch me asleep at my desk.
3 Don’t make eye contact with the lunatic at the head of the Embarcadero Station escalator.
4 Don’t forget to come back from lunch.
Snacks I Enjoy
1 Anything by Lil Debbie. Miss Janey also listed the fine, fine snack products crafted by Lil Debbie. What a coincidence.
2 Homemade guacamole.
3 Cottage cheese with blueberries, bananas and honey. I know that sounds suspiciously virtuous, but it’s true.
Things I Would Do If I Was a Billionaire
You know those reality shows where they go into somebody’s incredibly messy house and wheedle them into parting with their crap and then re-decorate it and everybody hugs at the end? I would pay those same kind of filthy people to allow me to come into their pig stys and scream the abuse directly at them that I direct to the tv during the show now. “Are you a freak?” “Adults don’t live like this.” “You’re disgusting.” “I wouldn’t walk in your kitchen, let alone eat food from there.” “Hauling home every piece of crap from the junk store you can carry is a SICKNESS.”
Typically these shows have an Organizer who spends a great deal of time and money on big plastic tubs in which she neatly places their detritus. Obviously, that’s just enabling their feeble minded inabilities. I would have my muscular and very attractive assistants restrain them while I shoveled all the piles of garbage they fill their squalid shack with into a very large dumpster. My goal would be to empty their house and make them cry. And then I would leave.
Places I Have Lived
1 Kingsville, Texas, where I was born
2 Baytown, Texas, where I grew up. A swamp with a very large oil refinery in the middle. Mud and carcinogenic petrochemicals, that’s spells home to me.
3 Austin, Texas, where I attended the University of Texas, and by “attended” I mean “smoked tons of the dope and skipped classes until I was asked to leave.”
4 Seattle, Washington. How can such a clean, boring city generate so many sexually transmitted diseases?
5 New Orleans. O honey, how I love, love, love NOLA. It’s where I came into my own, met the man I love, and figured out, pretty much, how to live. And good food, too.
6 San Francisco. Home. I’m still amazed that I wound up here. It’s so pretty, and cool, and charming.