Uncouched

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More davenport reports. The day before our couch was supposed to be delivered, I listed our old one on Craigslist for free; I wanted to get it out of the way for the new one. It was snapped up that very evening by an adorable gay boy who was as fresh-faced as the really superior porn starlets of today generally are. I was delighted to pass along our venerable sofa to someone so deserving and who flashed his butt crack when he bent down to pick it up.
I was considerably less delighted the next day when I found out we wouldn’t have a couch for ten weeks while our new one is being handcrafted by blind nuns in Belgium, or something like that anyway. No problemo, I blithely thought, I’ll just rent one. Hah.
The rental showroom is near my office, I sailed in there and ground to a graceless halt on the doorway, stunned by the awfulness spread before me.
Let’s do a little compare and contrast exercise, shall we?
What I’m waiting for: Glamorous, stylish, beautiful as Lauren Bacall in her heyday, whispering of gin martinis and good times.

What they had: Butt hideous.

And then the sales associate (or “shopgirl” as she deserves to be spoken of) came over and slowed down chewing her gun long enough to challenge me with “Do you need something?” Charming.
I know it may be hard to believe but mrpeenee is usually polite, even to lesser beings. I may have a large penis, but I am a lady. Nevetheless, this was wasting my lunch hour, I was unenthusiastic about the whole thing anyway (Is it just me or does “rent-a-couch” bring to mind bed bugs to you, too?) and now I’m getting attitude. “I don’t think so, I was looking for something that wasn’t ugly,” I replied
Things went downhill from there. I left. Yes, we don’t have a couch now, but furniture is so over-rated, don’t you think?

About mrpeenee

A former bon vivant and terror of a number of New Orleans bars in the mad, gay 1980s, I'm now quietly retired and widowed in San Francisco. I have a crooked nose due to an unfortunate Frisbee accident.

12 responses »

  1. What about repositioning chairs from about the house?

    Or, what about calling up that cute boy who bought your Chesterfield and pay him to to be the thing that sit on until Sister Bertille and Sister Sisto finish making the new Davenport?

    By the way, I have tagged you in the name three films that have caused you to think, act, desire or buy things that you otherwise wouldn't do Meme!

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  2. I've been surfing around the real estate sites to look at houses and I can tell you that photo #2 is actually an improvement on how most Canadians decorate their interiors.

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  3. Their is no better time to practice your 'jewish mother schtick'. “I'll just sit here on the floor, in the dark”. Perhaps holding a glass of warm water. And if anyone asks, just reply 'Better me than someone who matters'. A couple of days of this, and your loved ones will fly to belgium and light a fire under those blind nuns asses. (Patience is a virtue. for others!)

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  4. Skip the couch for a month; “Gypsy chic” is sooo now, sweetums. Just push back on cooking with too much curry.

    RE: 'shop girl;' please cut that bitch! I cannot stand retail associates who think they're doing the general public a goddamn favor by performing their damn job function! There are 33+ folks in line for her sales job, statistically, in this current economy. Fuckin' wench.

    Okay. I feel better.

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