A Good Cry. Putting the "Moron" in "Oxymoron"

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I don’t cry. I am not a crying person.   I say that not as some testimony to how tough or butch I am (there’s an amusing idea,) it’s just not how I react.  When R Man sickened and died, I made it through those very dark days without a tear, and not because I restrained myself;  I just don’t cry.

Imagine my surprise tonight, then, as I watched the movie 50/50 and burst into huge weeping sobs. Wracking, wailing, misery pouring from several orifices.  I had to pause the movie.  I scared Saki.  I sort of scared myself, a rational part of me watching horrified demanding to know what the fuck was going on.  Could it be more than just reacting to cinematic mastery?  Mmmmmmmaybe.

When the movie first came out and got such good reviews, I considered going to watch it, even though a film about dealing with cancer sounded like trouble after the last couple of years.  Thank god I skipped it; I have a vivid mental image of myself huddled in tears in the men’s room of the Lowe’s metroplex.  Yuck.

Maybe it was just a perfect emotional storm.  I’m still sick; R Man’s death is (obviously, understandably) a sensitive part of my life; and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is both cute and effective in the role.  Still, I just wasn’t prepared for this.   I have so little experience with the phenomenon, I didn’t even know crying makes your face hurt.  Does that seem fair?  First you feel bad and then you feel bad?

Crying.  What a stupid idea.

About mrpeenee

A former bon vivant and terror of a number of New Orleans bars in the mad, gay 1980s, I'm now quietly retired and widowed in San Francisco. I have a crooked nose due to an unfortunate Frisbee accident.

12 responses »

  1. I'm with you. Not generally a crier, but when it happens, get out of the way. It's generally totally unexpected and triggered by monumentally silly things (I didn't watch that damn lipdub proposal video for a couple of weeks, then got suckered into it and spent an hour wailing).

    Cathartic, in a way, but definitely something to be alone in the house for.

    As for the movie, it's not one that's played the Sandlands to date, but a look on Wikipedia makes me think it could do the trick. The last movie I cried at, though, was during a rewatch of “Dark Victory.” The end, of course – Bette Davis with the sun on her hands as the world goes black… Yeah, I'm a queen.

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  2. It is remarkable how staunch I can be in the midst of tragedy (also being a widow, I have experienced similar circumstances to you), and then break down in uncontrollable sobs over Thora Hird in Alan Bennett's Waiting for the Telegram. The cause, not the symptom… Jx

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  3. There's far too much of it going on these days, we're turning into a nation of blubberbags, people crying at the drop of a hat, especially on those talent shows, cue the soppy music and it's boo fucking hoo! I'd love to poke them all in the eye and give em something to cry about! I've cried laughing, whilst under the influence of magic mushrooms, I came home one night and all the ornaments were moving, the little china fox I keep on the window ledge kept winking at me suggestively.

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  4. I refused to go see this with Stevewhen it first came out, because I knew, with R-man's death, it would be too raw, and i still haven't seen it. But then I break out in wracking sobs about twice a month for no good reason . . . . Aside from making your face hurt, it usually leaves it swollen the next day. But sometimes you just have to let it all out.

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  5. Peenee, dear, sweetie, we all cry. We may not be able to admit it, but we all cry. We also all grieve, emotionally and intellectually.

    Remember how you painted that room in your house shortly after after R-Man died? You just decided that you were going to paint that room. I think it was less about a new color for the room and more about wanting to do something that you had real control over after being unable to save the one you love from physically leaving you.

    With my dad, the reaction to his death was immediate and emotional – I was angry with him for leaving me and failing to be my father. With my mom, it just felt like relief.

    Gary, every one of us has a different way of dealing with grief – there is no right or wrong way to do so. The sooner you recognize it, embrace it for what you really need from it, the more it helps you be where you need to be.

    Love,

    Stu

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  6. I agree with Mitzi, there is too much of it these days. But maybe this is different.
    The first person I ever loved died 18 years ago, and I cried for the first time for him 7 years ago when I fell in love again. And it shocked me.
    Eh, this was a time for you to feel something. Feel it, but don't live it. I'm sure you won't.
    And, I can think of a couple of orifices that weep with grief, but several? I'll need to know what the third one is when we meet this summer. I might not even have one of those, in which case I'm jealous.

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  7. sometimes a person cries. kabuki has had several really good crying jags. it doesn't make you a bad person. however – wearing the wrong slacks is a clear indication of an evil nature. now you know.

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