I don’t know if you guys heard about this, but apparently Pope Whosits, the Whatever, has decided he wants out. I was confused cause when I first heard the story, I immediately thought they were talking about Cher. Well, isn’t that the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the words “retire” or “farewell tour?”
And then I saw the photos and wondered “Who would have ever thought Cher could use more work?” Once I got around to reading the stories I realized my mistake, but still, I feel confused. Popes can quit? Can be all “I’ma see you later, bitches.” Why would they even want to? They get to play dress up all day surrounded by Italian men. Could there be a sweeter gig? God made you Pope, suck it up and stick around till you shuffle off, slacker bitch.
One of the most charming things about R Man was his unexpected knowledge of papal trivia including my favorite little gem, the fact that when a pope dies, somebody hits the Most Holy corpse on the head with a silver hammer and asks “Are you there?’ Three times. I was fascinated with that and long dreamed of becoming the hammer wielder. I had fantasies of sneaking into his boudoir while he was napping and smacking him with my hammer and then, when he jumped up yelling “The fuck… What are you doing? Did you hit me AGAIN?” I could look really innocent and just claim to be doing my job. Hilarious.
Imagine the terrible disappointment of whoever has been holding onto the pope mallet (you know they all call him “The Hammer”) all these years and now gets cheated out of his chance because Ratzinger wants to go play bingo and hit the early bird special at Appleby’s. That is bound to be one bitter priest. Probably going to take a whack at Ratzi on his way out.
So anyway, I’ve decided since I can’t be The Hammer, I might as well shoot to be the next pope. What the hell? So I’m not catholic. Don’t they want to broaden their reach, to show their image is hip and now and kicky and happening? And so what if I’m gay. Are you saying there’s never been a Miss Pope Thang? Listen, symbols of the papal office include the Triple Tiara and the Swiss Guards? Say that out loud and tell me if it’s possible to be any gayer.
Here’s the deal, just call the cardinal in your district or region or patch or whatever they call it and tell him if doesn’t vote for me, you’re going to have to convert to Mormonism. Or some other voodoo, doesn’t really matter. Don’t worry if you’re not Catholic, they don’t know. It’s not like they’re Costco and going to ask for you member card.
Another point R Man shared was that popes were carted around in a litter called Sedia gestatoria until after Vatican II. Or maybe I. One of those Vaticans. You know I would have that bad boy reinstated toot suite. Certainly them ostrich plume fans, for sure.
But I would want great big hunky bearers.
Isn’t that really the point? Cute Acolytes and seminarians and squads of choir boys. “I’m infallible, and I say you need to take your pants off.” Baby, if the papal enclave is rockin’, don’t come knockin’.
|but Amy Winehouse drag has got to go. I mean, jeezy peets, it’s the Vatican, ok?|
|Send up a six pack of clerics and tell them the cookies they brought last time were stale.|