Safeway late on Sunday night: read it and weep, bitches. I go there so you need not. Actually I go there because I like to take vicodin with seltzer water which means I go through quite a lot of the stuff and I find Safeway’s in-house brand, the charmingly ludicrously named “Refreshe”, to be my favorite. I pronounce it with an exaggerated semi-French accent.
Speaking of Safeway brands and the fall of civilization, the company has invaded the home turf of stoner junkies everywhere by coming out with their own line of fine, fine snack products ripoffs. It’s called the Snack Artist and it reproduces well known and beloved junk foods. I can personally attest to the quality of their version of Cheetos. I don’t know what chemical crap makes up the yellow-y orange dust that clings to your fingers like super glue after you’ve put away a pound or two of them, but man are they tasty.
Less fortunate is the crack they took at Lil Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. I’m sure you remember how distraught we all were when the Hostess Baking Company went tits up and the source for those chocolate cake rolls with cream filling (and let’s be honest; every word in that phrase should be enclosed in ironic quotation marks: “chocolate” “cream”) was cut off. I was thrilled to run across Safeway’s attempt to fill the void, but valiant as it might be, the result is simply lackluster.
Still, I plan on working my way through the entire line of potato chips of many lands, tortilla chips in every conceivable flavor and ersatz Twinkies. The only drawback (aside from possible death by junk food) is that moment at the checkout stand when you sheepishly empty your cart and you feel that everybody, the cashier chica, the bag boy, the lesbian in line behind you, is judging you based on what you’re buying. In my case, this consists of 12 two liter bottles of seltzer and enough garbage snack to feed a small dormitory of stoner boys. And a bunch of bananas like some pathetic attempt at healthful living.
Also, expanding on my much updated post below about Spotify, I have given up and switched back to Pandora which, I think to punish me for cheating on her, insists on playing long swatches of The Smiths. ENOUGH, already! It’s like living with a morose teenage girl. Let me know when Roxy Music comes on.