Oh Blanche. You know we got rats in the cellar?

Last week, a quiet night perusing a selection of really useless web sites was interrupted by a racket downstairs.  I went to investigate and narrowed it down to a section of wall that encloses the pipes that go back up to my tasteful pink bathroom.  Creepy.

Saki, the fearless terror of everyone stupid enough to try and pet him, stood next to me with an air of polite interest, looking in the opposite direction of the brouhaha thumping away right next to us.  He seemed embarrassed for me.  “Hey do you hear something?   I think I’m going to go take a nap,” was pretty much his entire contribution.

I set up an appointment with an exterminator, but it didn’t take long after he showed up for me to start wondering if living with rodents wasn’t maybe preferable.  He was probably normal as anyone you meet through a Google page in San Francisco (which isn’t saying much,) but the longer he was here, the more erratic he became.  Sometimes he managed blandly chatty and sometimes he was flat with no affect at all.  It was like he’d read a book on how to make conversation but occasionally forgot parts of what he’d studied.

He insisted on a tour even though I told him I knew the rats were down in the furnace room.  When we finally fetched up there he pointed his little flashlight and said “See?  Droppings.  Vermin.” as if I had been vigorously denying the very possibility all along.  I suppose it’s not realistic to expect too much from someone whose title is Rat Guy, but still….

Yesterday, one of his minions (and think about Rat Guy Minion being your lot in life) showed up and turned out to be just as peculiar.  Again, we’d be talking along and it was like the frequency would sort of change.  “Hello?  Hello? You with me Rat Guy?”  Do you think they’re drinking the stuff they’re supposed to be spraying around?

He checked the traps and seemed crushed when they turned up empty.  I felt bad for him, as if I had personally let him down.  My rats were not cooperating.  I guess I should have stuck with him, but I snuck off to see if the internet had improved (it hadn’t) and when I looked out the window he was up in the yard, spritzing poison around.  I certainly had not requested that (“You know what I would like?  Random toxins in my garden.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.”) but he seemed to feel better afterwards so I suppose I shouldn’t be churlish.

He assured me he’d be back next week.  I hate to think I appear that needy.

About mrpeenee

A former bon vivant and terror of a number of New Orleans bars in the mad, gay 1980s, I'm now quietly retired and widowed in San Francisco. I have a crooked nose due to an unfortunate Frisbee accident.

21 responses »

  1. rats i don't know from, but mice we seem to always have. i especially enjoy when i set one of those reusable traps, walk out of the room & BAM, i hear it snap. then i run in, pre-gloved with a plastic back, grab the trap and mouse, run outside & let it go. then i wait until trixie finds her way back in.


  2. Umm, honey. I'm thinking you might need to get rid of these guys and hire a better Rat Patrol. Unauthorized spraying (and using poison of that type in general) is hazardous to everyone's health, not just that of the rats.


  3. The empress andi live in a house that is about 140 years 0ld. We get regular periodical visitations from rats in the walls or the roof around here. I throw them the odd wax block of rat poison to nibble on when I'm alerted to the cabbling inn the wll of across the roof. Then smuggly put up with the smell of dead rat… No… No… It's quite Ok… I manage cope! After about 3 days the smell's gone and life carries on as normal again…

    And then from time to time it's mice shaggin' season… The clamouring and scuttling of the chase going on through the ceiling all night accompanied by the by sounds of wild abandon coming from the shagged when caught by the shagee.
    I repeat the proceedure with the wax block treatment… Dead mice don't seem to smell as bad….


  4. My dear deceased borther (RIP) used to take after the walls with a bowie knife. kabuki does not recommend this approach. Also kabuki is fairly sure the Rat Guys are playing in the toxins. Do not accept candy from these people. Perhaps Saki would like a tazer.


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