The Ice Man Cometh

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I have always been skinny, but when R Man died, I sort of let things get out of hand and lost 10 or 15 pounds which put me in Gaunt territory.  My doctor has been haranguing me to gain weight ever since.  I think he just does it out of habit now.   And I have.  In fact at this last check up, I weighed more than I ever have, 187 pounds.  Doctor Man still thinks I need more.  Some people are never satisfied.

I asked him about joining the meal delivery program I had volunteered at for years.  I figured they owed me.  The good doctor said “Ugh, you don’t want that.”  Instead he suggested Ice Age Foods, which he has been using for a while.  As its name suggests, it is based on the ever so hip Paleo Diet.  I explained I do not do “hip.”  But he said it was good and good for you, low fat, high protein, blahblahblah.

Since I am above all things else, lazy, I figured a company that brings me food couldn’t be all bad so I sprang for a month’s trial.  And honestly, it’s not bad.  The odd part is that everything tastes like tacos.  Since I love tacos that’s not a problem, but it does seem like an unlikely niche to plant your recipes in.

So far I’ve had Lasagne Tacos, Pork Stew with Meatballs Tacos, Tri Tip with Yams Tacos, and Lemon Pepper Chicken Tacos, which by far were the worst.  I have never put a food product in my mouth that was as tough as the chicken.  I gnawed on it for a while and finally spit it out and it looked exactly like it had when I put in.  Plus, lots of odd little bones, possibly not even chicken.  So really it was Tough Weird Meat and Bones Taco.

Digging around on their website, I ran across this gem under the headline:

What’s with the Mexican Influence at Ice Age Meals?

So apparently I’m not the only whose noticed the taco theme.  Their answer:

most of the culinary ninjas in our kitchen hail from Mexico, Central and South America.

OK, glad you’re paying attention to their culinary background, but you do know most restaurant kitchens run on hispanic labor and they’re able to crank out French, Italian, Thai, Lesbian, whatever just fine.  Also, I want it clearly understood that had i known this company referred to their prep and line cooks and chefs as “culinary ninjas” I would have never gotten beyond that and moved on to some less ridiculous web page.  Possibly featuring naked men.

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not a taco

Since everything tastes like tacos, and since I am determined to undermine the whole “paleo” thing, I have taken to adding ground cheese to the dish and then wrapping it in tortillas.  When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  When everything tastes like a taco, I don’t know, I seem to have lost the metaphor, but tortillas improve the dishes dramatically.

So, am I going to become a loyal customer?  Hmmmm, maybe.  After all, I love tacos.  On the other hand, I really would like lasagne that tastes like, I don’t know, lasagne.  I think the real test is coming up: Thai Meatball Curry.  I adore curry, but honey, Curry Tacos is where I draw the line.  We’ll see.

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khmer warrior taco

22 responses »

  1. Living single myself I do cook, but when tired after work, I tend to order in a lit. I have a nice variety of food place with tasty menus. But I gain weight easier than yourself. That’s why some nights I call out again for a order of cock.

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  2. 187 sounds like a lot to me. How tall are you? I’ve been a bean pole all my life. At 5’10” I now weigh 175. That’s about 40 pounds more then I weighed when I was 28. I’m 69 now. Everyone thinks I’m still skinny. Not from my perspective. Of course morbid obesity is the norm today.

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    • I am 6′ 3″ (1.905 meters for the metric among us). You spread 187 around on that and add in a little paunch and you get skinny. With a paunch. As is 5’10” and 135 pounds. Honey! Get some meat on dem bones.

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  3. Mmmm tacos! Maybe keep the crazed hipster paleo taco guys and find a second source for other stuff for when you are not in the mood for tacos?

    PS: I made beef tacos yesterday.

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    • crazed hipster paleo taco guys is exactly the right description of these freaks. I think I may have hit the Taco Wall tonight. I am so looking forward to chicken pot pie tomorrow.

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  4. Just when I think I’m perfectly happy, embedded in our lovely Cairo flat, enjoying a quiet evening, suddenly I find myself craving tacos. And also wishing that that faux Khmer warrior would move his hand.

    Just checked: we do in fact have a “Mexican” place that delivers, but I’m not not that brave…

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  5. Good grief! Your doctor kvetches that you’re too skinny, and here I am, drinking a SlimFast and wondering if they make a taco flavor, or a Thai meatball curry flavor, or even a Tim Curry flavor! In the meantime, model #2 worries me. He’s dressed in a preschool’s crafts project made from dry macaroni and gold spray paint, and he’s got a woodpecker drilling into his head. Isn’t he supposed to be on the locked ward?

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    • It’s not that I disagree with the doctor; you can see my ribs, were you unlucky enough to see me without my shirt, but it’s the idea that I need to do something about it is where we diverge.

      and you leave Khmer Warrior Taco Man alone. He is exactly the kind of short humpy man I like so much.

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  6. This may have been pointed out already, but I think I would draw the line at meatball curry. Seriously? And I must need to come out and cook.

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