Men Don’t Make Passes


I have mentioned I am an idiot before, haven’t I?  I use fancy big words, occasionally correctly, but I am actually a loon.  My new location means that I don’t have to drive hardly at all.  Groceries, drug store, cafe, crazy lady screaming and exposing her genitals, all within easy walking distance.  I have a fabulous painting Super Agent Fred did of Catherine Deneuve I wanted framed, so this afternoon I took it to the framer with the best reviews in the city and who is literally right around the corner.


Not this, but equally as arresting.

On the odd occasion that I have had to hit the road, I noticed my vision has once again gotten worse.  Considering how incredibly myopic I am, it seems almost impossible for it to decline any further, but no.  And it seemed to have happened unusually quickly.  Street signs remained stubbornly out of focus,  bumperstickers continued to be a closed mystery to me, and I kept assuring myself that last bump was just more of San Francisco’s lack of infrastructure maintenance and not some unfortunate pedestrian.  I gave in and got new glasses.  Actually new lenses in the frames I’ve had for 20 years now because I like them and it saves me the bother of picking out a new pair.  In fact, I liked them so much, years ago I bought second pair.  Now I get new lenses to replace the oldest one and what were the new ones become the backups.

If you are not bothered by impaired vision, you will never know the thrill of putting on a new pair of glasses.  The world spring into crystalline perfect focus. You realize the person you’ve been addressing as Super Agent Fred is in fact a young woman who has no idea why you continue to bother her.  The universe becomes a place you can see.

I was delighted right up until I tried to use my computer andI was back to the world of blurry.  That was when I remembered that a couple of years ago, when last I got new glasses, the charming doctor suggested I get a pair for the odd distance that computer screens tend to sit at.

When I wear my contact lenses I put on reader glasses to read (duh) or dab at the computer.  If I had on my glasses, I would put the readers on over them, a look that is guaranteed to draw stares from your more fashionable companions.  His point was to have one pair for long distance and one for using a screen.  I agreed with him, got the glasses and promptly forgot about them.

As I recalled this, I realized that in the chaos of moving over here, I had somehow stumbled on my computer glasses and been wearing them, simply more out of focus than usual.  Luckily the frames I handed over to have new lenses were actually my long distance ones, so now they are doing a fabulous job of letting me see what is going on around me.

And my computer glasses are typing this right now.  And I am an idiot.


Is this boy an Idiot?  Possibly.  Would anyone care?  Care about what?

12 responses »

  1. Excuses, excuses. You just wanted to know what the houseboys’ tattoos “said” in Braille — “Hand wash in warm water?” “Do Not Pass Go”? “Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics”?


  2. Gary,love reading your posts. And the penis pics.My Garry is good.Turning 65 on Tuesday.

    Please call me . My phone died and lost all my contacts. If you have Ann’s and Keith Brownfield’s and Doug Offerman’s phone number text them to me. If you are on Det life you can send them to ntxsavannah
    Yes those are my old tits. Miss you honey. Hate my phone fucked up. Today was a great day- could brag about how many times we did it and where but I will only say pool floats and chaise lounges that are well made are good. Great post honey. Love you! So much excitement beyond sex to tell you. I need your sarcasm to keep me grounded, my oldest friend. Call me!


  3. By the way diid not realize trees had something beyond green stuff til 3rd grade when my parents realized I was blind. Or that other people could read street signs. Could be why I was awful at sports that I could not see ball coming until it hit me. Was always picked last for kickball. But I could jump rope and play jacks.


  4. I started wearing glasses 3 years ago for distances and reading, prior to that I was forever bumping into the furniture and doors, I once poured rice pudding into my coffee thinking it was evaporated milk, ( if I was on the Ellen Dungaree show right now, I’d be getting all teary) batting my eyes and making myself available to unattractive men in pubs. I wonder if Helen Keller had the same problems though I doubt she ever got finger fucked by a ftm transsexual in a gay sauna in Barcelona (I don’t want to talk about it). I blame it on the poppers I’ve been taking Macushield supplements for a couple of months now and I do see an improvement.


  5. When you have your new glasses a book to read:

    “With intricate narrative precision, The Heart’s Invisible Furies cuts to the heart of what family is, how it is chosen, and how it endures. And it is charming and funny, even as it dives down from the precipice of endearing humor into the very specific ironies and cruelties of real life…. characters are cinematically rendered, with a deft, decadent wit that will make you laugh aloud at least once. Searing heartbreak; loneliness; a quest for internal and external redemption, solace, and contentment are all there in The Heart’s Invisible Furies.”
    – The Millions


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