The Dick, as They Are Sucked



I know many gay men have gone through their life without embracing the slutty thrills of excessive sex, much sex with many mens in any setting that was at hand in the way that I so enthusiastically did.  I don’t know why, but I accept it.  Because of that, I now find myself an expert in the field of cocks and the sucking thereof.  And so today, I will be considering the way different cock structures lend themselves to different sucking methods.  Herewith, the Six Main Dicks and Their Utilization in Prick Licking:


1 The Straight Down the Middle Cock


These are the least demanding, most versatile of dicks.  Fortunately they’re also the most common.  They pull it out of their jeans, you get down and get down, it pretty much takes care of itself.  A side note, which applies to all penises: bigger is not only better, it’s easier.  A dick that is not big enough to cross the gag reflex line and stay there is just trouble.  Once a dick has gotten across your reflex and you’ve settled all that choking down, you can concentrate on swallowing the Man Bologna, but if it’s so small that it keeps slipping back and forth across the reflex line, there is no end to the semi-retching you get to enjoy.  Also, what is the plural of penis?  Penii?

2 The Banana


God’s gift to cocksuckers.  the curve downwards of this bad boy follows the natural line of your throat and thus snugly fits in your gullet.  Plus side: in a speedo, it looks like porn come to life.

3 The Rhino


The exact opposite of The Banana, the Rhino is the hardest to handle in a “get down on your knees and swallow it” kind of setting since it refuses to fit in a mouth past the incisors, despite the Rhino man’s screams of “Watch your fucking teeth!”  While it lends itself to those backroom situations where the sucker is standing next to the sucked and just leaning over, it really is at its best in a good, old fashioned 69.  By crawling over the Rhino’s belly and coming at it upside down, the sucker is able to turn the curve of it into the same throat compatible arc of the Banana.  No other dick gets so stiff or looks so rigid as a Rhino.


4 The Slice (curves to the right) and 5 The Hook (to the left)



Both the Slice and the Hook are simply deviations from the Straight Down the Middle, in that they just snake to one side, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.  Usually the divergence isn’t enough to bother a serious sword swallower, I only include it here because there are times when it definitely matters and that would be the Drive By Blow Job.  No one enjoys more than me the spontaneous thrill of some lip service in the front seat of a car, whether the car is moving or not (but watch those speed bumps.)  It’s in those rather constricted spaces that the bend has got to work with you or it’s all teeth marks and tears.  Simply put, you have to point towards the gear shift.  The Slice (curving to the right) is perfect for drivers getting swallowed while the Hook can only help out a passenger.  A note: this is all dependent on left hand drive.   Obvs.

Finally, 6 The Maypole



Another variation on the Straight Down the Middle, this is that all too rare prize: too much of a good thing.  While the Straight Down the Middle will be nice and hard, the Maypole borrows its rigidity from the Rhino resulting in a jabber pointing straight at the back of your head, through the front.  Overly enthusiastic possessors of this (and they’re always overly enthusiastic) will shove you away even as they’re pull you in.   Should you try to ease up for, I don’t know, OXYGEN, the Maypole will just follow through by stepping further up to the plate.  As you retreat, he pursues and eventually you wind up doing a kind of backwards conga line across the backroom floor.  Amusing to bystanders, it’s hell on your throat and knees.

While these are the basics, I’m sure there are others out there, near and dear to our readers’ perverted little hearts.  Tell us all about them, darling.  Spare no lurid details, even if you need to make them up.









About mrpeenee

A former bon vivant and terror of a number of New Orleans bars in the mad, gay 1980s, I'm now quietly retired and widowed in San Francisco. I have a crooked nose due to an unfortunate Frisbee accident.

15 responses »

  1. In the early 90s I considered having all my teeth removed so I could give a better blow job, but I didn’t fancy having a sunken mouth and puckered lips. I’m more familiar with the button mushroom types.


  2. You forgot the rarest kind: the bifurcated penis. You also omitted the kind with the easy-open pull ring. (According to Merriam-Webster, the plural of penis is either “penises” or “penes”).


    • Early on, I ran into a guy who had had some cancer that required surgery on his Johnson and he wound up with a sizeable chunk missing from the head. Sweet man, but eeeeks, the visuals were not happening.

      And I HATE dick jewelry. If I want metallic crap banging into my teeth, I’ll go to the dentist.


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