As I crossed over the threshold into old age, I realized, with great annoyance, that while my head hair has retreated into non-existence, my pubic hair has continued to thrive. Wispy, straggly, and long-ass long, it exists solely to irritate me. I could braid it if the whim so moved me. It creeps me out. I am concerned that eventually it will get tangled up in my shoelaces and then where will I be?
So occasionally I break out the pruning shears and lop off the top. I’m not shooting for some kind of manscaping, I just want the mess to look less like something out of a Lovecraft story. Eldritch pubes, that’s what I got.
I also don’t try for anything fancy or too close to the boys, cause I am not crazy. And yet, and yet…. You can see where this is going, can’t you? Yes, tonight I nipped my nutsack.
I’ll pause here to let my male readers unclench. Fortunately, or as fortunate as that situation can get, it was no big deal. I didn’t castrate myself, the skin just got caught in the scissors and caused a tiny, little cut. It didn’t even really hurt, just a sharp pinch. It is possible I screamed like a little girl, a little girl who has just pecked the ball bag, but if ever there was a screamy moment, it was that.
But oh baby jeebus, did it bleed. Reminiscent of one of those chocolate fountains at some pretentious buffet. It turns out your man pouch is thickly covered in veins. Why? So that when you cut your nuts, your melodramatics are justified. The bathroom wound up looking like a set from a slasher movie and my testicles are now sporting a band aid.
Okay, so maybe this is difficult reading, or at least it is for those readers equipped with low hanging fruit. Maybe they are slightly pale around the lips, possibly light-headed. Sorry. Did you want a widdle trigger warning? Suck it up. I’m the one with my poor little huevos bleeding. I suppose this exemplifies the difference between empathy and sympathy.
Guys with unnipped nuts:
Watch out where you’re slinging that blade, buddy.
Maybe I should look into waxing.
What a piece of work is man.
I really hope this is not PhotoShop; it would reinforce my belief in god.
Speaking of god….
Well, we now know what to get you for Xmas, don’t we.
A box of bandaids?
I was thinking more like something with a guard.
My eyes are watering at the thought of what you described! “Band-Aid on the testicles” is not a good look… Jx
I am mostly concerned now with removing it.
Yes, the thought of removal causes me more clenching than the nip!
See, it’s times like this. that I miss the Hair Hall Of Fame Beauty Salon.
RIGHT? Where is that old tart when I need her?
I use this for grooming body hair.
It has guards to slip in the clippers to keep accidents from happening.
That didn’t work. Look this up online.
OSTER Classic 76 Hair Clipper Bundle – 2 items, includes pack of 8 plastic comb blades
Use Nair on your nether regions or failing that buy a NO NO as seen on TV. I’m not sure if it’s suitable for knacker sacks though, you could always enquire, who knows, they might use you in a future advert, I can picture it now, leg up on the toilet seat as you glide the gadget up and down your nut sack whilst being forced to grin like an idiot for the camera. I for one would be quite keen to see it.
For the sake of all that is good and holy buy a comb and only cut on the side away from the skin, just like the barber did when you had hair on your head.
Now I must retreat to the fainting chaise.
You still have pubic hair?
You are bloody nuts to use a pair of scissors. But on the other hand, given your luck, waxing the balls seems no good idea either *ratch ! * Could be a ripp off …