In Which We Are Crippled. Again


I went over to Secret Agent Fred’s place this evening and hung out with the dear old thing yucking it up and discussing the decline in porn quality the 21st century has brought. As I was leaving, I strode confidently down the five steps in his lobby only to discover there were, in fact, six steps which caused me to go tumbling through space and come to Earth less than gracefully.

It is a testimony to my vanity that immediately on landing I thought “Thank god nobody saw that,” even before I had time to see if anything was damaged. Once I was able to turn my attention to my frail bag of bones, I let out a ladylike cry of “Fucking fuck, that fucking hurt.”

I had somehow managed to land on both my right ankle and my left knee. I can only imagine it must have looked like some kind of figure skating technique gone horribly wrong. As I later mentioned to my old chum Brain, that meant that I couldn’t even limp properly. My knee is now purple and my ankle is swollen, or maybe it’s the other way around; I don’t even want to look to make sure.

This is just one more salvo in the ongoing campaign my own body has against me as I plow further into old age. In an earlier, simpler time, I might have emerged from this disaster shaken, but not actually mangled. It is only as the years go by that my fuselage has become so fragile. I get out of bed and my voyage to the toilet is a symphony of cracks and pops. I sound like a basket of kindling being thrown down the stairs, like a rhythm section warming up. Listen to me children, you do not want to get old. Kill yourself now, it’s the only sensible option.

I think I need a squadron of humpy young men to take care of me in my declining years. Guys like this maybe:

Sometimes a nice, hot bath is the only answer.

You cannot hide that from me, I have had too much experience tracking dicks down.

Buttchops like this need to be squeezed. Lovingly.

Put that phone down and come over here.

Goodness me, his butt is so massive, you can only tell he is wearing panties by seeing the image in the mirror.

Sometimes I choose to include Crimes of PhotoShop because they re so ludicrously amusing.

The Chaturbate gang and I are planning on watching a movie called Glorious, a horror movie centered on a glory hole. I think that’s a brilliant idea; every time I stuck my dick through one, I would briefly think “Is this the time the serial killer is going to bite off my wiener?”

I always liked sort of sweet, homely guys, especially if they came equipped with a big ol’ fat fatty.

Here’s another one. Mmmmm, meaty.

About mrpeenee

A former bon vivant and terror of a number of New Orleans bars in the mad, gay 1980s, I'm now quietly retired and widowed in San Francisco. I have a crooked nose due to an unfortunate Frisbee accident.

8 responses »

  1. Oh, Mr Peenee! “which caused me to go tumbling through space and come to Earth less than gracefully” I keep reading that as “tumbling through space and time” which, if true could be a handy way of going back to ensure it never happens in the first place. Although maybe don’t try it again, just in case.

    P.S. Is #1 lolling around in dirty bath water, or is it just the shadow that makes it look murky? Either way, beware of lurking sea monsters…


  2. Peenee, you need to treat yourself like fine china, not like cheap melamine from the dollar store! Or were you wearing those stripper shoes with the 12-inch heels again?

    You might need an elastic bandage for that ankle. Maybe the knee, too. Ask your doctor for advice. Warning: the doctor might want to run you through the x-ray machine again.

    Model #1 has such nice buttchops that I didn’t see his skin graffiti at first. Then I saw models #3 and 7. Now I have to mop up a puddle of drool on the floor.


  3. A. OH SHIT! B. Many, many, many years ago when I was working at UT, I had a day when I was all dressed up in vintage suit splendor, high heels and all, and was running an errand on campus. I took a tumble down a short flight of stairs outside and was immediately asked by a very kind and cute young man if I was okay. I was too mortified that he had been a witness to this to say anything. So you’re immediate reaction of “thank god nobody saw this” is not uncommon. Now listen to Jeffery’s adivce.


  4. Keep plodding on, you’re not ready for the knackers yard yet. A couple of weeks or so ago I got out of a cold air conditioned car into 40 degree heat I walked for about 10 yards and started to feel queer, even more so than usual, I saw white lights flashing before my eyes and I swooned into a shop doorway the whole episode only lasted about 20 seconds. I thought thank fuck nobody saw it but I was wrong a woman came out of the Edinburgh Woolen Mills shop and asked if I was alright. I blamed it on my flip-flops.


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