Category Archives: internet

Anals of the Interweb Evolution

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Perhaps my loyal readers will remember my gleefully describing earlier this summer the already well known (to consumers more savvy than I) phenomenon of chat rooms or cams. Sites where (usually) attractive youth will broadcast their pulchritude via the web cam built into their computers while grateful old men, such as me, send them “tips” or “tokens” we buy through the broadcasting site.  Thus an entire ecology of lust and commerce is born and flourishes.  My favorite site is Chaturbate, although the more heavy handedly mercenary RentMen has its charms as well.

Dedicated research on my part since that initial post has turned up several fascinating bits. For instance, did you know Romania has become something of the center of the chat room universe?  A semi-robust infrastructure that provides fast and fairly reliable internet plus a depressed economy that provides lots of kids with little or no jobs times the remarkable good looks of Eastern Europeans equals a kind of perfect storm for churning out hot chat rooms.  The concurrence of all this has led to literally thousands of “studios” springing up there.  Warehouse-y spaces with small rooms set up with garish wall paper and decorations where models sit around in front of live cameras waiting for johns to sign in and start springing for a flash of their bits or, for especially open handed donations, a money shot.  Bucharest: the new Hollywood of flesh peddlers.  Who’d a thunk?

My personal dalliances with these site has opened an entirely new and delightful facet to my quiet little life.  Our principle players include:

mikey

Mikey, aka Playwithme55, is my favorite.  Sweet and charming and guileless, he has a huge fan base (understandably.)  Some of the fans (including me) have taken to nattering along amongst ourselves in the chat portion.  There is the video on the left of Mikey flogging his enormous keilbasa while we crack jokes and catch up on what’s going on in the less lurid portion of our lives in the column on the right.  I was discussing the difficulty of getting one’s children into a good school in Berkeley just last night all the while keeping an eye on Mikey’s luscious titties.  It’s very endearing and a lovely little community.  Also, I should mention Mikey has a wired up dildo called a Lovesense shoved into his poop chute and each time we tip him he gets a jolt.  It’s hilarious to watch him squeal and dance around.

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Also funny is John (Secret Agent Fred and I refer to him as Sponge Bob Square Ass) an absolutely gorgeous and goofy mountain o’man who also utilizes a Lovesense.  He’s on Chaturbate as johnandkitty .  He looks like a bouncer in a really scary bar, but is, in fact, the sweetest thing walking around on two colossal thighs.  COLOSSAL.  They look like they could crush, I don’t know, things.  Me, for sure.  I actually get him to sing ridiculous pop songs (Bonnie Tyler’s It’s a Heartache is one of our faves) while I zap him repeatedly.  I have laughed so hard at the sight  of this Hercules yelping and lurching and warbling “It’s a heartache, nothing but a heartache…” that I almost pissed.

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Guiverno, over at RentMen, also has a substantial following and its terribly gratifying to have him blow them off when I show up and insist we adjourn to a “private chat” so I can tell him a story while he works on one of the biggest dicks I’ve ever seen.  And I’ve seen a lot.  Early on in our virtual relationship, I discovered he’s wild for me to tell him long, filthy, very detailed smut in which he is the star.  I have wheedled what are his type of men and kinds of scenes he’s into and now customize the filthy tales  I provide him on demand.  He was particularly fond of the threeway in the toilet where the fat guy blew his load on the blond football player’s face while Guiverno gave it to him up the dirty back road.

994dbdc7bfe0eb2718fbe56c8a96266bb592eee4_500x500-jpg-cb_watermarkKarlosz99 (Do you love these stagenames?) just wants me to marry him.  He has no idea what I look like or what my personality is, but he does have a firm grasp on the concept that trading an improvident existence in Bucharest for a semi-rich widow in San Francisco would be a step in the right direction.

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Then we have Brutus.  Brutus and I have gassy conversations to pass the time while he masturbates a really lovely long wiener.  I mentioned this blog just tonight and he professed to be aghast that I would have a forum dedicated to rambling on mostly about my day to day life.  “What about losing your privacy?” he fretted.  “How can you let everyone know all the details of your life?”  I didn’t want to be rude, but I finally had to point out he was airing these concerns while sitting naked on a web cam with cum drying on his stomach.  He’s a sweet boy, but doesn’t seem to grasp how irony works.

 

Finally, let me mention the snippy queen, whose name eludes me, but who, during my only visit to his room took great offense at some remark I made that implied possibly he was a prostitute.  Uhm, OK.  Let’s see, you’re working on a site called RentMen.  I considered explaining all that, but I just moved on.  Cause thanks to the wonders of this modern age there are literally thousands of other cute boys out there waiting for a generous old queen like me.

In Which mrpeenee Struggles with the World of Internet Commerce

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You are now connected to Amazon from Amazon.com
Me:On August 26, I had a chat session about the whirlpool bathtub I ordered. The person I chatted with claimed someone from “large purchases” would get back to me in 24 hours. It’s been a week, no contact, so a) what’s with that and b) where’s my bathtub?
Amazon:Hello Gary, my name is Natally and I’m so sorry to hear that we where supposed to contact you and we didn’t and the fact that you don’t have your bathtub, let me see how i can help you
Me:great
Amazon:just to verify the address we are supposed to send this bathtub is blah blah blah
right?
Me:yes
Amazon:thank you, Gary please wait for me just a moment while i review your account really quick
Ok Gary, thank you for your patience, I actually need to connect you with one of my colleagues from the concierge dept because of the price of this bathtub, please hold while I connect you.
Gary are you there?
Me:yeah, it’s not like I’m going to take a bath or anything.
Amazon:Thank you Gary just a moment
A Customer Service Associate will be with you in a moment.
You are now connected to Ben from Amazon.com
Ben:Hello!
Me:hi
Ben:I’m sorry that you have not gotten your bathtub yet, let me pull this order up and we’ll see what’s going on.
It looks like we are still working on acquiring the inventory to ship it out to you.
Me:what does that mean? I ordered this on July 19. When is the tub getting here.
Ben:We currently do not know. We’re working on getting the inventory. It looks like it was out of stock when ordered and we’ve not been able to get another one quite yet. I’m sorry.
Me:It took amazon a month and a half to realize it was out of stock, I contacted you once already, and you’re just now getting around to mentioning this?
Ben:I’m very sorry, from what I’m seeing on the details of the order, this was out of stock when you ordered it.
We did send you an update shortly after the order with an expected time that we could get this out to you. That was between August 18th and September 11th. I know that’s a very long window, but when we’re not sure when we’re going to actually get them in, that does tend to happen.
Me:I’d like to point out Sept. 11 is nine days away. Are you saying the tub will be here then?
Ben:I cannot guarantee that, as it does not look like we’ve found a supplier yet, but it is not outside of the realm of possibilities. To be very honest, I doubt it.
Me:So, to summarize: Amazon’s customer guarantees are worthless.
Ben:Not typically, but unfortunately in this case, it looks like we might actually not be able to make that date.
I can happily look into what’s going on and why it’s taking so long.
Of course, if you would like to cancel the order and go somewhere else, I’d completely understand.
Me:“Looking into it and finding out why it’s taking so long” would be swell. In fact, many customers would assume that is what you would be already doing.
Ben:On the customer service end, that’s not something that we generally handle. That’s taken care of by our vendor managers and others in the procurement teams. But since I want to help you, I will do what I can to get you an answer, since they have not updated you.
Me:I’m in New Orleans. I can get a voodoo doll with “Procurement team” written on it without breaking a sweat and I suspect it would be just about as much help.
Ben:If that’s what you feel you want to do, you’re perfectly welcome to. I, on the other hand, am going to actually try to be helpful, if that’s ok with you.
Me:Go to it. And reel in the snark while you’re at it.
Ben:Honestly sir, I could say the exact same to you, but I did not mean to be snarky, so I apologize.
I’m typing up an email to the vendor manager in charge of that department.
Me:I look forward to hearing what you discover.
Ben:Would you prefer email or phone?
Me:email is fine. My address is mrpeenee@yahoo.com.
Ben:Awesome. I’ll reach out to you as soon as I hear anything. I’m sorry that this is taking so long to get to you.
Me:Thank you and good day.

Vote Now!

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A ginger selling something or the other.  Who knows?

My dears. the polls are OPEN and the race is on.  First the UN votes Palestine as a state; and then that slattern MJ has opened the Kitchen Queen contest over at Infomaniac ; and now you can vote for the smut of your choice at  Cybersocket

Secret Agent Fred and I spent an amusing time last night reviewing their lists (“stars,” products, sites and other ephemera) and vetting the prospects. I meant to save the best for a post here today, like this

but I realize now that I failed to note what, or who, the different pictures were of so I just wound up with a big ol’ pile of smut.  Regrettable.

Part of the problem is that all-too-common bugaboo of internet browsing: distraction.  Fred and I started out looking up names from Cybersockets’ lists that we didn’t recognize, but that quickly turned into each of us sharing with the other our favorite performers or auteurs or nastiest or freakiest and the whole thing dissolved into a jungle of unrelated tabs.

People like feets.

One  of things that I was reminded of is how often porn stars (or “people of porn” as I like to call them) turn up with those weird eye problems known as “wall-eyed” or “wandering eye” (Wikipedia kindly informs us this is properly called strabismus.)  Persons less nice than me refer to this as “seeing you coming and going” “being able to drop a dime and pick up two nickels” or simply “da crazy eye.”

In other fields of entertainment this condition is more of a handicap, but in the egalitarian world of feelthy pictures what’s in your pants seems to cancel everything else out.

And who gets MY vote?  Beats me.  I’m still doing research.  Or “research.”  Because I am thorough, bitches.

Here’s a partial list of crazy eyed beauties.

Scott Carter.  He’s Spanish so of course his nom d’porn is “Scott Carter.”  Of course.

Francesco D’Macho.  Nice dick, unfortunate eyes.
Jonathan Agassi. “Hey!  I’m over here! Hey!  Oh.”

Jimmy Durano.  I am so ashamed of even commenting on these boys’ slight disability when they are blessed with so many other sterling qualities.

Get to Work, Slacker

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Now I understand why MJ includes all those bitchy, nagging, hectoring posts leading up to her contests, it’s because you lazy slags will not follow a few simple instructions.  To wit: find some photo  of your drag self and send it, along with your drag name and your big number, to mr pee nee at yahoo.com  (take the spaces out, silly.) by July 24 in order to participate in our anniversary virtual drag show.

Is that asking too much bitches?  So far, only Jason and anonymous,too have come across and mummy is starting to feel a teensy bit annoyed, so get on it.  Do not think that I will fail to replace you with some  deluded queen with plump tits mincing about dressed like a bird to the swelling strains of Tosca because I will if I have to.  Although she does seem like she could be some serious high maintenance.

Done

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I just love crossing things off my little OCD To Do list.

1) Get my creaky old Mac upgraded and all the bugs lurking around in its depths expunged so that watching porn wouldn’t be so annoyingly slow.  I had planned to haul the old dear all the way down to a very inconvenient part of downtown where the very idea of parking is to be laughed at when I remembered Secret Agent Fred’s boyfriend Duane works for Apple.   He knows all the kinds of tech stuff required and which is at the fingers of an ordinary 6 year old, but beyond mrpeenee.

We had a very amusing afternoon as he beat the computer into submission and then we went over to Fred’s and rearranged his kitchen because we’re all gay and stuff.  And now that my computer is blazing along, I realize how sluggish it’s been and how resigned I had gotten to it.  No more, mutha.

2) Go see Dark Shadows.  Also with Secret Agent Fred.  I loved it, it looks great, so very Tim Burton-ish with lots of visual gags.  Michelle Pfeiffer is very tough bitch, which I love, especially when she parks herself at the top of some stairs with a shotgun anchored on her hip, blazing away.  Johnny Depp, of course, is wonderful.  I had worried after seeing the trailer that he would just be some halfassed cross between Captain Jack Black and the Michael Jackson imitation from Willy Wonka, but nope.  Interesting and funny and sexy, even under a couple of pounds of kabuki/dracula makeup.

3) Find a Christmas card, just to get ready.

Check, Check and Check.

We Now Resume mrpeenee

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So sorry to be sort of AWOL, my little partridges, but we’ve had problems with our internet connection here at the world headquarters for mrpeenee, inc. Every day I would come home hoping the interweb fairy had fixed the snag while I was out, but no, no. I would consider wading into the dreary swamp of tech support and then decide instead to go read and eat cookies. When life hands you lemons, go read and eat cookies, that’s what I say.
Worse, the internet filter at work blocks all your blogs from me. Apparently the fashion bulletins from Chateau Thombeau are a threat to national security. Finally, this evening, I couldn’t stand it any longer, I missed you all so very much, and I broke down and called into Earthlink’s help desk, Radio Mumbai.
We have all been there, I assume, and so I do not need to dwell on the particulars of this time. I’m always charmed by their infinite patience as they attempt to walk me through a screen that is nothing like what I’m looking at. Also, I remained convinced they are just taking a break from their Bollywood careers and that in real life the faceless voice I’m dealing with looks like John Abraham.

Also, am I the only one who is a tiny bit concerned when dealing with these guys that they are scanning a read-out of all my latest porn purchases? Will I be scolded for spending too much time on musclehunks.com? What if that turns out to be the problem? It could happen.

Q, G. What’s the Real Difference?

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I think it must be the collision between my extreme myopia and my world-view that causes me to so frequently look at a website new to me and see the well-known acronym “FAQS” as “FAGS.” Is it a special button for me and my tribe, or is it a link to naughty photos of houseboys cavorting together?

Nah.

Imagine my disappointment.

FAQS


FAGS


Compare and contrast.

Mesmerizing

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You know what the greatest line in songwriting is? It’s the lyric in “Lust for Life” where Iggy Pop is singing about love and makes the transcendent metaphor that it is “…like hypnotizing chickens.”

Research into this fascinating concept reveals there is, naturlement, a Wikipedia page on Chicken Hypnosis

Insights like this are a weighty burden. I’m just glad we’re able to share them here. Also, I’m glad to share this buttchop picture:

It’s like hypnotizing ass chickens.

Party Outa Bounds

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Darlings, sorry, don’t bother mummy right now, I’m getting ready for the big do over on Fabulon Sunday evening.  Didn’t you get the invitation?  DARLING.  I’m sure it was just an oversight, you know how ditzy Thombeau can be.  Poor old thing has probably been living on whippets all week getting ready for this.  Sweetie, yes, a virtual party.

 

I’ll be dialing in from the comfort of my luxurious boudoir.

I’ve asked houseboy Allegra Galliano to help with snacks.

 We’ll see you there.

Interweb Wonders

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You know what we have here?

We have a Japanese Lady passionately entwined with a squid, that’s what. Things that have no possible explanation fascinate me. Much in the same way as this cephalapod lovin bitch captures my wonder, so too do the many, many spam emails I get about porn involving busty young nubiles in the cow shed. I get no other porn spam and yet daily I average a dozen or more invitations to see some young Lady (frequently named Brittany) do the nasty with some farm animal. How did I wind up on this particular mailing list? Is it karma? Why don’t I ever get invited to visit Muscular Young Brazilian Twin Body Builders Who Can Open a Beer Bottle Without Using Their Hands? Huh?