Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Burden of Perfection

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Let me start off by complaining.  Apparently, I am convinced the real point of a blog is obtaining a platform for whining.  Anyway, by a completely random alignment of a hostile universe, I wound up going to two different dentists two days in a row this week and it was exactly as much fun as it sounds like it would be.

Moving on, let us consider this latest exhibit in my Gay Porn Meets the Eerie Valley collection:

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I understand it’s possible that this creature is actually a human thing, just another one of us pink apes, but the first thing that came to mind when I saw this was “Finally, my demands for a gay sex doll have been answered.”

What triggers the idea that this is not born of woman?  Maybe it’s his complete lack of pores, maybe it’s the utter stillness he projects, maybe it’s his ability to hold his tee shirt with his butt cheeks.  Of course, if he is the newest thing in sexbots, it’s possible he has a coat hook attached to his pussy.  If he does, that is most certainly an upgrade I want to skip.

 

mrpeenee Wonders

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How is this even possible?

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In this universe, I mean.  How on earth do you come up with that much muscle?  Plus, I have been closely observing men’s muscles for decades (for purely academic purposes of course.  I hope to complete my thesis, The Implications of 20th Century Homosexual Political Response and ManPussy’s Giant Ass Booty soon.) and I can attest that even the most gym rat men simply did not look like this in the past.  An example:

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This gigantic wall o’ butt is something that has arisen, so to speak, in the last few years.  I understand many of the examples of it one encounters on the internet are the result of the wonder of Photoshop, but I also know that you actually see specimens walking the streets.  Or rather, waddling the streets, since the fruits of their labor means they cannot walk like mere humans.

Am I complaining?  Fuck no.  For once.  But I am struck by how the goal for muscle men keeps moving.  In the 80s, working out stopped at the waist so bodybuilders had this odd, top-heavy look.  Then when they caught on and bulked up downstairs, severely defined muscles became all the rage and they had to be cut for the gods.  And now it’s all ass, ass, ass.

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Again, not complaining, but how do they all know?  Is there a Muscle Pussy Central Command that decides “OK, from now on, it’s glutes and nothing butt.  Heeheeheee.”

Living the mrpeenee Life

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You know how you can filter search results in Amazon? I want to be able to filter out Stupid Books. I have had such a hard time lately finding anything I want to read. Everything seems to be about a troubled teenager, orphaned, who finds out he/she has a super power, or magic, or genetic resistance to acne and can’t figure out how to use his/her powers. And of course, a fabulously sexy, cute, completely out of his/her league dreamboat falls for him/her. How many times are they going to write the same stupid story?

I walked over to Foreign Cinema for lunch with the Fashion Sensation, who is leaving town in a few weeks for good for her life in Canada, and some guy on Mission Street told me in a loud, firm voice “No monkeys, no problem.” He seemed to be waiting for an answer so I said “Yeah” cause what else can you say? Then I walked the rest of the way worrying about what I had just agreed to.

Following up on random street drama, just in case I was missing out, a few days later, MINDING MY OWN BIDNESS, I spotted two guys occuping prime sidewalk real eastate and screaming at each other.  I was reminded of a time a few years ago when I stumbled on the same situation only to realize the guys weren’t screaming at each other, they were just screaming simultaneously.  I was reminded because as I drew abreast of this new pair, I understood, once again, that they were yelling apparently oblivious of each other.  Or maybe they were trying to outdo the other.  Or crazy guy street harmony.  Who knows.

I know I talk a lot about the loose nuts here, but they’re just so darn colorful.  I try to keep in mind that the weather is still gorgeous, I have broken out my short sleeve t-shirts finally, and I have plans for a lovely dinner with friends tonight.  Feral lunatics are simply the price for life in paradise.

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When I finally run the universe, there will be quite a bit more of this streetside and less loud craziness.

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But I will keep this for myself.

Sunshine and Lollipops

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Gracious chiclets, what a lovely, lovely day it is here.  Just yesterday was the tail end of winter, sunny, but cold and damp still and then today, bam, we’re suddenly in a Beach Blanket movie.  Everybody broke out their short sleeves and sandals and immediately went from complaining about how freezing it is to how sweltering it is.  San Franciscans only have about a 4 degree window of ambient temperature we’re willing to accept.

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This guy.

The air is weightless and the sun is warm and feels like it’s puddling all around you in big golden pools.  It’s especially noticeable in my living room with enormous windows that face west and south.  You can walk through the space and it might as well be at the beach in Rio.  I’m thinking about opening a spa in there and charging people to come sit on my couch.

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Saki the cat is, of course, totally in his element, digging the heat.  He believes he is Master of Market Street and who am I to contradict him?  I merely exist to feed him and clean out his poop box.

Warm bodies:

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Sleepy Time

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I suspect when I tell people I sleep all day they translate that as something like I sleep at night like normal people and then take naps during the day.  Wrong.  I go to sleep about 7:00 AM, dawn for those of you who might miss the whole “rosy fingered” thing.  I then saw away until 5:00 or 6:00 that evening, broken only by occasional old man piss trips and whenever Saki can wake me up enough to feed him.

It’s a schedule made famous by rock and roll legends and vampires and it works fine for me.  My system apparently is owl.  No wonder I had such a hard time getting up for school or work; I was leaving my bed just when I should have been settling down into it.  Of course there were drawbacks, there always are.  Trying to get to appointments, doctor, hair, chats with friends, whatever, was problematic and I never got the sympathy I deserved when I would whine about setting my alarm for 2:00 in the afternoon.

And then three days ago, suddenly I couldn’t sleep.  At all.  Does everyone have trouble sleeping?  Yes, yes we do, except cats.  I would turn in and lie there expecting to doze off at any minute, but the minute would tick by and suddenly it was early afternoon and I was still awake.  The second day I surrendered and wound up down at Peet’s Cafe knocking back a latte with some tasty muffins.

I know, I know, coffee when you can’t sleep is just exacerbating the problem, but my experience is if I can’t fall asleep in the first half hour, it’s not going to happen.  So I embraced insomnia and turned to my usual answer to everything, coffee and a pastry at Peet’s.  If it can’t help, it also can’t hurt.

I’ve finally fallen asleep about 3:00 or 4:00.  Is this my new schedule?  If anything it seems even more inconvenient than my old one.  I’m hoping this passes and I can go back to watching crappy You Tube videos at hours when all the god fearing are snoring away.  Still in the video queue are hundreds of hours of Russian lunkheads trying to unload a sports car off the back of a truck with a couple of 2 x 4s.  Hilarious.

Guys in bed:

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Musical mrpeenee

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I had dinner the other night at Fable, one of my all time favorite restaurants, and was assailed by their music selection.  Since I was dining alone, I had no one with whom to share my insight that the only thing more annoying than old timey rap is French old timey rap.

What is with French people and popular music?  They’ve had 60 years of rock and roll, just like the rest of us, and they still can’t get it.  I have a theory that their love of rules means they’re still looking for a pop music owners’ manual.  Tragically, my theory will never be examined because I find their music too irritating to listen to long enough to find out.

But wait, there’s more.  Yesterday I had my teeth cleaned (and found out I have to have a root canal next week) with a new dental tech.  My former one was efficient and no nonsense and accepted my blithe answer that I pretty much never floss with a curt “At least you don’t lie about it.”  Her replacement is overwhelmingly cheerful and never shuts up.

The music in the office has changed from some very nice classical to something that vaguely resembles mellow jazz, but has no breaks between what might be songs.  I assume it’s some algorithm that creates noise influenced by the dreaded Kenny G.  Bad enough, but the dental technician only ever stopped yammering in order to hum along with it.  Yes, she was singing along to musical gibberish.

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Mens to help me calm down:

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Cheery.  That’s what I need after a punishing dental session.

In Which We Can See Clearly

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I got new glasses, and not because of some stupid witness protection program.  Forget I said that.  Anyway, I got new glasses.  Some while ago, my optometrist suggested I get a pair for using the computer and it turned out to be a great idea.  Monitor screens tend to be at a distance neither reading glasses nor distance glasses can correct for.  Try computer glasses today!

Everything with them would have been just ducky except I stupidly got them in the same frames as my distance glasses and I could never tell them apart until I was walking outside and wondered why everything was out of focus.  Again.  Dammit.

My new frames’ shape is almost identical to the old ones, but they’re just different enough to screw up my depth perception so that stepping off a curb is an adventure.  I expect to get used to that soon.  And in the meantime as a trade-off, I get the wonder of brand new lenses,  with everything so clear and crisp.  Earlier I was waiting on the sidewalk for some friends just staring up at the leaves’ edges, thrilled.  Passersby probably thought I was loaded, but that has happened plenty of time before.

A mrpeenee Fashion Show, sort of before and after:

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And they’re already crooked.  No matter how much the store adjusts them, some gravitational field that science will never master immediately wonks them out of line.  I’m convinced if my glasses are ever straight, they would just make my face crooked.  Or more crooked.

Also, guys with glasses who probably never have trouble getting passes:

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So why have I suddenly become so coy about pictures of guys flashing their bits?  It’s all the fault of Tumblr’s new policy against so called  porn.  Tumblr was where I got all my feelthy pictures and what a wonderland of smut it was, page after page of incredibly gorgeous men scrolling by.  Now it’s nothing but underwear models demurely hiding their goods.  Unless I decide to start illustrating my posts with neo-nazis, I will need a new source.  If any of you have any suggestions, they would be welcome.

You Don’t Need a Weather Man

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It’s been raining in San Francisco for several days, the kind of gentle, melancholy rain that reminds you of French black and white films of the 50’s.  Nothing really remarkable about this spate, winter weather here gets around to this kind of thing every year, more or less.  The thing about this time was the hand wringing and dire predictions from meteorologists a few days before the storm got going.

They were all wound up, with cries of flash floods and whatnot, which, looking out my window at the perfectly well behaved storm, seems really over done.  In retrospect, these almost-hysterics came out right as Chicago and other unfortunate locales were dealing with the Polar Vortex.  The Vortex resulted in several people dying, the New York Times seriously over-working the word “brutal,” and, apparently, tipping several local weatherperson into hissy fits of forecasting envy.

I understand it must not be easy being a Bay Area weatherperson; the weather here never gets much more severe than somebody leaving the air conditioner on too long. Seven or eight months of the year there is no rain and the temperature never varies beyond about a 50 – 70 degree window.  So meteorologists have the same prediction day in and day out “Sunny and mild with a chance of fog.”  Not terribly dramatic.  You could file a months worth of reports in one day and spend the rest of the time playing video games, but somehow that seems to weigh on the poor dears’ souls.

There they are, glumly going through the motions and watching some weather girl in Minneapolis blithely tossing around terms like “hypothermia” and all they have is low level fog. Maybe they sort of over reacted to yet another dully predictable prediction.  Who can blame them?

Now they have been reduced to dithering about the possibility of snow.  Snow!  In S.F.!  The last time it snowed here was 1976, so OK, striking, but these poor queens are about to wet their pants over it.  Just calm down, you want to tell them, you are embarrassing  yourself.  Again, one doesn’t know whether to feel pity or disgust.  Sad really.

And now, humpy men in the rain.  Or at least water:

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Are you cold sweetie?  Let me rub those nipples for you.

Fashion Trends

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My new raincoat was delivered yesterday and in a stroke of serendipitous timing, it rained all day today so I could take it out for a test drive.

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It was an unqualified success.  Cozy warm, it kept me completely dry with none of those annoying seam leaks, and best of all, the hood fits.  Since I have long (some would say swanlike, but not me of course) neck, hoods are always problematic.  I bought rain gear last summer to be prepared when the rains finally came only to discover when they did that the coat’s hood was way too shallow leaving my face and glasses out in the rain.

I understand a dark (I thought it was black, but the picture makes me assume that it’s really navy.  That is mrpeenee’s fashion sense in one sentence) unremarkable parka would not rate as fashion for most people, but since all the rest of my clothing purchases in the last decade have been identical replacements for whatever tee shirt wears out, this was a pretty extraordinary event.

Because I bought the first one so long ago, I don’t remember what made me pick it originally.  Probably it was the first thing listed on the Land’s End web site that day.  As I mentioned, it fit oddly, with sleeves long enough, but the tail too short to cover my butt and the stupid hood perched on the back of my head.  Both coats though came loaded down with all sorts of velcro and zippers and odd pockets that I have no idea what to do with.  It seems sort over engineered for San Francisco’s undemanding weather.  Part of the description for the new one promised something about the pockets that would keep the snow out.  What?  Perhaps my readers more familiar with snow can explain why that’s a thing.  Does snow sneak into your pockets?  I wouldn’t put it past it; I’m very suspicous of snow.

In other news:  naked guys far away from cold gray weather

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That’s called a “tan.”  Perhaps you have forgotten about them.

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keeping warm is important during these trying times.

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Sunny, warm, tropicale.  Even in California it calls to me.