Part of selling my house was the need to unload about a metric ton of crap onto some unsuspecting suckers, which is the underlying reason for all yard sale, and so, last weekend I presented mrpeenee’s Yard Sale and Unwanted Crap Event. Since I have moved into an apartment about a quarter as big as my old house, there was plenty of merchandise on hand.
The always charming and incredibly patient Diane von Austinburg came out just to help. I had initially lured her into the con with the promise that we would be lolling about an estate sale run by some estate sale professional, which is honestly how I envisioned it. Too late, I discovered all the estate sale people wanted, or rather demanded, all the furniture and household goods be in the house, undisturbed, so that people could prowl through my house under the pretext of buying second hand dishes when what they really wanted was to to look through my underwear drawer. When I explained I had already moved out and all the leftover goods were down in the garage, they sniffed and said “no thank you”and so suddenly Diane and I were running our own Garage Sale.
A daunting task, but one we got through mostly because of Diane’s calm, good sense and in part, my finely honed ability to tell customers who got on my nerves to fuck off.
Diane and I spent the day before the sale trying to get the mounds of crap into some sort of order. We arrived a half hour after we had advertised the starting time (it’s my sale and I’ll start it when I want to) only to find that some guys were refinishing the floors (LOUDLY. MOTHERFUCKINGLOUDLY)and had shoved all the furniture we had left upstairs into the garage. This lead to an exciting phase of the sale where we were trying to drag stuff out onto the sidewalk and make enough room in the garage for people to actually see what was for sale all the while customers were wandering around.
We discovered there are lonely people, sad, pathetic lonely people who come to these sales and try to chat up the sellers who are trying to convince actual paying punters that they wanted a decade old phone. The lonely people buy nothing and take up an inordinate amount of time and attention. Should you ever find yourself in charge of one of these events, feel free to tell the sad and lonely pathetics to fuck off. I did and it helped relieve the stress immensely.
So, Super Agent Fred and our friend Jen helped. We started out with several real deals, twenty bucks here, fifty there, and the pleasure of pronouncing the cost of knick knacks that Diane had dragged home from some thrift store or the other was heady.
The second day, our other friends John and Dan dropped by with lunch and wine and the wine led to several rather odd bargains towards the end, but by then things were kind of unraveling anyway. Some very shy and sweet Asian boy dropped in and I tried to force him to take (FOR FREE) this set of Limoges china plates. I explained to him he could turn around and sell them on Ebay for serious coin, but he just seemed terrified of me. I admit, I was rather strident, but for chirst’s sakes, how often does a stranger offer you expensive fine china and explain how you can make money off it and all you can do is giggle and demure. I told him he was an idiot and that he had to leave. That’s about when we decided to wrap up the sale and scram.
All in all, I made a sizable wad of cash. I counted it multiple times and came up with a different amount each time. I think it was about $1,200. There is still a largish pile of furniture and lamps and china and just crap in general that I’m donating to a thrift store that benefits AIDS patients.
In conclusion, I admit to being tyrannical and loud, but somebody had to be. Overall it was exhausting, but if it wasn’t for my sweet, sweet friends, I would have once again been totally sunk. So yay for my sweet, sweet friends and yay for that kind of cute guy who took the ugly, beat up rug that I thought I would never be rid of in this lifetime.
The main thing is that it was one final step in severing my ties with my beloved home which is being tarted up even as I type this and will be on the market soon.